HOPE YOU LIKE SNAKES

The 3rd field in YFS existence, Jet City Arena is home to some lazy lawn-mowing hair-dyers who periodically tend to this snake-infested swamp. Old people love mowing! And not just any mowing, the sit-down shit, like a 70s porn star trimming his gooch with a Flowbee. Though not even the elderly members of Jet City make an effort to drag their rapidly decomposing asses out here more than once a month. Eddie Vedder boasts, “Within this tight knit community, where defecation occurs precisely 3 times before 7 AM, a verdant swath of land lies snuggled between blackberry bushes and conifers.” The Plowboys are so dedicated to not playing defense that they don’t even bother to trim center field. It grows higher than the kush used in whatever walk-in bong they happen to be abusing. If age and not running were a contest, these reptilian gardeners would win every time. So what keeps these geezers coming back? Perhaps it’s the untamed natural world, the undefinable menace and magic that lies behind a grove of trees. Or perhaps it’s just far away enough from their television sets where Matlock no longer becomes an obsession.