WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU

Spend a day at the Dirt and you’ll notice a recurring theme. At least 80% of Tinseltown players are nicknamed with a variant of the male genitalia. Must be something in the water. Near a cement-hugged river, an unremarkable armpit of land huddles beneath a squadron of billboards advertising the latest batshit project being hawked by the Tinseltown Fun Baes. Watch your step as you tiptoe through pacifiers, nips, and wastoids en route to stardom. US weekly proclaims, “Take the freeway to parts unknown and escape to the good life where everyone’s got a sandwich named after them. Enjoy unmolested freedom from the ‘razzi, where guts proudly hang over waistbands and danglers fly akimbo.” Yet another blink-and-you’ll-miss-it dust bowl that the world swiped left on. All’s more fun for the Fun Bois, as this little speck of earth holds more riches than those living in the nearby hills de glitz.