GRANDMOTHERED-IN SHORT PORCH

The human wine boxes in Rose City describe the Slabyard as “damp and downright wet at times, a little hairy in the field, and there’s an ever present danger of slipping in mud…This spot is unquestionably known as YFS Worldwide’s most inclusive playpen.” Sounds dirty! Like adult book store dirty. And also adult diaper dirty. They continue, “A cheery muraled wall makes up the left field’s bomb boundary…” What they fail to mention is that the left field wall is so short, you could step into the batter’s box, sneeze, and with just the right amount of wind, send one out without even lifting the bat off your shoulders. Your cat’s litter box has a deeper left field wall. And smells better too. These gutter punks love legitimate field dimensions almost as much as they love deodorant. “The Slab is known for its Steely Dan easy-listening-with-kiddos type atmosphere. Though relieving yourself poses the risk of being labeled as a sex-offending felon.” Don’t worry, Rose City. We’re sure the kombucha factory will look the other way. After all, if everyone is a sex offender, is anyone a sex offender? Kidding, we’re happy for you, RC. We can practically feel the love dripping down our buttcracks.